What can I do to make you love me ...

Alright. As one of my dear friends advised me - I just tried to write something else than next chapter of Alive Again ;-) And IT apeared ;-)

Title : What can I do to make you love me
Ratings : PG
Warnings : Both adults , who knows ;-)
Disclaimer : I own nothing... but I can wish ;-)


Chapter 1 - If I could tell you how much you mean to me...

Right in the moment he tought he would die - he was saved. The guards were shot and he was freed. They put him into a van and drove far away of the city.

Two camouflaged men gave him new clothes , quite a lot money and a new identity. Saying just nothing at all they left him on a little buss stop in the middle of nowhere.



At first he just wasn't able to think. He knew nothing about those men who saved his life. He didn't even know why...



He was standing there ... Empty fields and no clue what had just happen and what he just should do next.



He was officially dead. He could start a new life...

Alright... but where...



" A Panama !" something screamed inside him.



"A Panama ? ... Well, why not. She should be there , shouldn't she ?" he thought.



When the buss came he just jumped into it and bought a ticket.





*********





Firt at the buss , than a plane... He finally got to Panama.

Hot weather , sun and a blue sky...



He just couldn't understand why something inside him just couldn't stop screaming from excitement. What is so great in that place that he just couldn't stop walking around and looking for something ?

What made him wanderring through old streets ... Like he was just looking for something...or someone...



He was asking himself a question what was he doing in that place? Why did he come here...



He couldn't sleep. Moving from one side to another with his head full of thoughts. "It was good knowing you Sara..." Nice speach... wasn't it ? And the change of the feelings on her face... Could she ever...No.. Impossible... And he will never meet her again. She must be far away right now...



He stood up and went outside... Not really realizing what he was doing he walked to the fountain ... And there ... Right there under a hudge palm he saw...



"Sara !" he screamed



A woman sitting there moved her head up and looked at him



"Paul ! You are alive !" she said quietly.



Without thinking he just moved to her and kneeled by her
"I am so.. glad I see you Sara. But... what are you doing here ? Why you are alone ? Where are Michael and Linc ?"



She lowered her head

"Michael went to jail for me... And Linc... I ... I didn't want to see him... " she whisperred "Paul... may I ask you one thing ?"



"Yes."



"Did you ever forget your first kill ?"



"Why do you ask Sara ?" he sounded suprised



"I... I .. killed."



"Whom ?" he couldn't stop himself from rising his voice



"Kim. I shot him... And I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I .. I am a murderer..." she cried quietly



Kellerman just cuddled her...

"Sara, knowing Kim, you were just defending yourself. It's not a murder. And as for your question... " he lowered his voice... "No, I had never forgotten the first person I killed. I can't even count the men I killed but I can tell every detail about the first one. I can even tell you what was the weather like and what had his whisper sounded like..."



They sat there in a quiet...
He - holding her in his arms.
She - with her head on his shoulder , crying soundless...



"Paul... Take me out from here. Just make me stop thinking..."



"What do you want me to do Sara ?" he asked slowly "I will do everything you want. I can even try to free your man. But just don't play with me... Don't try to hurt me... take a revange for all I have done to you. I took a revange at myself ..."



She looked at him sadly...

"I really mean what I said. Just take me out from here. After shoting Kim I think I can understand you more. I was sitting here and thinking ... And I realized that if I had to do it again I would. What's more... if I had to shot hundred Kims just to save someone I care for I would. You believed in what you were doing. You believed that it was for good of the country..."



"Not always Sara. Don't paint me so white. There was the time I believed in it. But than , later there was a time I have done everything for HER... When I finally realized that she had used me I have done it for revange..."



"Alight. You are not so white as you say and I am not like that either. Can you just be a Lance for a while and ...
But you probably don't want it..." she said with her voice dying out by every next word...



"Sara. I said I would do everything for you. I can be a Lance if you wish me to be. Come on. I will take you to my hotel room." He stood up and helped her to stand up.




Chapter 2 - And I wish I don't fall in love with you

When they enterred the hotel room he just felt really strange... He would like to take her to a beautiful place where she could rest and feel good and all he was able to offer to her was a small hotel room filled with his things. He moved quicker and tried to hide some things , clean up a'bit...
He must have looked pretty funny because he heard her laughing quietly. Holding his trousers in both hands he turned to her

"Why are you laughing Sara ?"

"You look so sweet Paul... You really care ... I am really glad you care for me like that..." she said with a shy smile

"How do you know... I mean I just don't  want you to look at my mess... "

"And that's why I think you care for me..." she smiled "Well , where can I stay ?"

"I .. ah... You'll stay here and I will ... I mean you'll have the bed and I take the arm chair"

"I should probably say that I would take an armchair but I am so tired that I won't say a word."

"Good ! Than there is a bathroom and... Damned. You have any clothes more right ?"

"Only the things I wear right now"

He went to the wordrobe and took out one of his white shirts.
"I hope it will work. It's too big for you to wear as a shirt but it should work as a nightgown..."

She took the shirt with warm smile
"Thanks , You are really sweet..."

"Is it an insult or a compliment ? " said Kellerman with his almost ironical smile

"What ? oh... "she looked at him suprised" I am sory Paul" she smiled " I shouldn't say that you were sweet, I should probably say that you are really menlike or something... Paul , why you men don't understand that for us women a man being sweet means that he is great ? I just can't explain how much I admire your words and behaviour. You make me feel good and safe. And that is what I call being sweet"

During her speech he just looked at her... She looked so beautiful ... So calm ... So ... happy ? Was he really able to make her happy ?


**************


She came back from the bathroom wearing his shirt... She looked so pretty... He found himself just staring at her like a school boy...

"Why are you looking at me like that ? Do I look stupid or something ?" she asked watching herself around

"No... Just opposite... You look... sweet" he said with a smile

She sat on the bed drying her hair with a towel ... He went to take a shower...

The cold water dropping at his skin... He didn't turn hot one on. He was hot enough... And he didn't want to show her how much she moved him. He promised her to be a gay Lance, right ? He just can't behave like the only one thing he was just thinking about was to hold her in his arms and kiss her... Touch her... Make love to her... She can't get to know... He closed his eyes standing there under steams of a water... Picture of her in his shirt just couldn't dissapeare ... He shook his head and tried to think about something else.. He has to help her... She wanted him to help her ...She... her pretty face and warm smile... her eyes so ... DAMNED !!! He moved out of the shower. Dried himself and put a shirt on. Normally he didn't wear night clothes but now... He put even some slips...
"Hell , things would be really easier if I was  gay..." he thought with a cynical smile looking at himself in the mirrow " I wouldn't have to try to hide that she makes me feel like a schoolboy on a first date"

"Paul ?" he heard " Are you alright ? You are there more than an hour..."

"I am comming !" he said and ... he realized how it sounded... He laught... He had not laught that hard for a really long time

"Why are you laughing ? " She asked him when he finally got out of the bathroom

"I.. ahm.. "he tried to say something through laughing "I just ... an old joke..."

"Alright, than tell me. We can laugh together" she said with a catty smile

"I..ahm ..I ... "

She started to laugh... "So , have you came ?"

He just couldn't say a word... Standing there ... Looking at here...

"You said that you were coming and started to laugh. I also got the second meaning... "

They looked at eachother and laught together.


**************


He put the radio on... And old good song of Tom Waits was on... "And I hope I just don't fall in love with you..." sounded sharpened voice ...

Kellerman looked  at the window.. "Right" he thought " I hope... But how can I hope when I know I did fell in love with you ? Hope for what ? That you'll never get to know ? Or just opposite ?... And if I hope for the opposite than what can I do to make her love me ? Is there anything that could turn her to me ?"


She was watching him...
"He is so great friend... I never thought he could be like that... No, that's not true. He was like that when he acted Lance... But I though that he - agent Kellerman - the hard and strong one - can't be like that. And yet he is. " Tom Waits song make her smile "Right, I hope I don't ... Do I really ? Or just opposite , I hope to fall in love in that different Kellerman... I want him to let me forget and I want somebody to understand me. Michael , even with his fighting against the evil had never kill anybody. I did. For that I am closer to Kellerman than to Mike. I know he understands me. He was there, at the same point of life... I wish he wasn't so Lance like... I wish he would cuddle me... But in fact I know that if he did I would feel bad... I would feel like betraying Michael. It's good the way it is... But I hope... "


Chapter 3 - Should I stay or should I go...





She fell asleep. And as it always happens when you really don't want to dream of something - you just dream of exactly that thing - she had a dream about Kim.

She saw the bullet and the blood. She heard the gun shoot. As it happens in the nightmares she felt something falling on her ... She woke up screaming...

Somebody was holding her close. Whisperring calmining words...
"It was just a dream Sara... Just a dream..."

Without really realizing what she was doing she cuddled into his arms. She could feel his breath on her hair...
His body was warm... And suprisingly she felt just safe in the arms of the man who tried to kill her...

He heard her moving on the bed. She must have had a bad dream. Than she woke up screaming.
He came close and held her. He was whisperring some words to calm her down. And than she just cuddled into his arms...
She was so close that he could hear her heart beat...
Softly he kissed her hair... With his eyes closed he was sitting there holding her in his arms...



*********



Paul Kellerman wasn't really a bad guy.. was he ? He was a good romantic guy... In fact he would kill anybody who would say he was romantic but he was. Cynicysm , sarcasm and irony are the best things to hide your feelings behind . The problem with using it is that if you use it too often you just can't stop using it. He never wanted to show his real feelings. Especially for her but... When you cuddle a frightened and trambling woman in your arms , a woman you actually feel something for... it's just damned hard not to whisper... not to cuddle her closer... not to kiss...



***********



She fell asleep again , still in his arms... And he was just sitting there ... thinking...

I just shouldn't stay here. I should leave and let her live her way. I don't need any trouble... She will not be mine and ... She wants only a friend and I can't give it to her. Not for a long time. In one moment she will realize what I really feel and than it will all be over. She will leave me and it will hurt. On the other hand she says she needs me... and I can see it even right now... I can understand her fear and being lost... I can help her... and I can give her all my love.. all of it. And I never heard any women complaining... She is full of passion... I am full of it too... We could make a great couple... But would it really work ? Is there even a dream of the future for us ? ... Should I stay with her... or should I go...


Chapter 4 - I am learning to fly...


"Paul, take me out of here." she said quietly
"Take me somewhere , where I can just live quietly . Where nobody will hunt me..."

He looked at her sadly "Sara, do you really think that you could live quietly ? You are an adrenaline junky ... You may think you are not , but you are. Quiet and happy live is not for you... You'll be quickly bored by it. But if you really want to go somewhere for a while ... Alright. I know the place."

"Where ?"

"Does it really matter ? It's far away from people and nobody will find you there."

"Alright. Than take me there." she said looking at him "But ... how .. how will we get there ? I just haven't any money . I mean I have something on my account but.."

"But you just can't take it from there 'cause somebody could track you by it. I have the money. Don't worry. But we have to get you a new identity. Well, than I think I must go out for a while." he said getting up and taking his jacket." I will be back"



*******



He came back after few hours. Smiled at the door to her.
"Everything set. In the evening we'll have to go to a one place to take a photo of you and in one hour you'll have a new name and a new life."

She just looked at him saying nothing. So sad eyes... almost with tears ...

"Sara..." Kellerman said "Would you like to know more about the place we are going to ?"

"Alright" she said still with a sadness in her voice

"Well, it's a little wooden house in the middle of nowhere... I bought it few years ago ... I took few days off and saw that place. I just couldn't resist... There is a forest around and a little sream near by. The nearest village is about 60 miles away and there is quiet.Summer is not really hot in there and winters are just damned cold. When there is a snowstorm it's better not to go out because you can get lost. But inside the house is just warm and nice. There is a fire place and many furs. There are some riffles but more for defending from wild animals than for killing someone... One huge room, kitchen and something like bathroom..."

"Wait ! What do you mean by "something like bathroom" ? " she interrupted him

"I mean that there is no running water , and to have it hot you have to warm it . There is a bathtube unfortunatelly..."

She laught. She never thought , she could laugh from it but in fact now it was funny...

"Go on, tell me where it is !" she said through laughing

"It's in... Alaska" he said smiling

"Alaska ? !! " she screamed

"Yes."
"Oh.. OK.. Why not. I've never been there. Let it be Alaska."




Chapter 5 - This is the world we live in...



In the evening they went out. Walking through little and dirty streets... He took her into a dark little closed  street. Trushes and dirt around... Paul was just about to knock to the door when she screamed.

"What happened Sara ?" he asked really worried

She just pointed her finger to one place. There was a woman hand sticking out  from between trushes . Kellerman went there and uncoverred her face. She had pale blond hair but accept that her face was really similar to Sara's.

Sara was trambling but she came closer and kneeled down by a woman body. She checked her pulse..

"She's dead." said Sara with a quiet voice."Oh my God, Paul. Take me out from here. I just can't stand it any more..."

He took her in his arms.
"Sara, we will go out of here and there will be safe. You'll see..."

Together they went to the door ...

*******

After an hour everything was done. She had her new identity card and new name on it. They went back to the hotel room and started packing.

In one moment he just took his jacket and went to the door.
"Sara " he said "I am going to buy tickets for us. I will be back. I just have to take care of something."

"Of what ?"

"I have to do something to make sure that nobody would look for you." he said with a strange smile and went out


********

He went to the shop and bougth a hair dye in exact Sara's colour.In another shop he bought a saw.  Than he went back to the place they found the body of the woman...

About two hours later he was just sending a package ... a box...

Than he went to buy plane tickets.


*************

He came back ...

She looked at him when he was enterring the room... He looked so tired...

"Paul ! You are back ! What took you so long ?"

"I did something... And I bought tickets. We leave tomorrow..."

She looked at him closely... "What do you mean by saying that you did something ? What did you do ?"

He looked at her...
"Sara, I think it would be better if I don't tell you ... But surely it would make everybody forget about you. Wasn't it what you wanted ?"

"Yes but... Alright... I wont ask. But you didn't kill anybody ?"

He laught "No, I didn't kill..."

"Alright. Than it's ok."

***********


This time they lied together on the bed. Not really close but...

When they were just going to go to bed he went to the armchair... He looked so tired and ... sad... She just came closer and lied her hand on his shoulder

"Paul... Why don't we change.. I mean I can take the armchair this time..."

"No. I want you to sleep comfortable..."

"And I want you to sleep. You didn't really sleep last night."

"There will be nothing wrong with me Sara. I can stay there."

She thought for a while
"Paul... don't get me wrong. I am not that kind of woman... But we can sleep on the same bed... It's quite huge and there are two blankets..."

He turned to her and looked at her suprised
"Sara.. I ... I would never think that way of you. I really understand what you mean... Thank you..."

"Than let's go to sleep." she said smiling

*********


They traveled by hired car... Alaska was beautiful... So empty...
She was sitting near him and smiled. She almost couldn't believe that he could be so... friendly and happy... So...

All the way from the airport he was talking. Talking about his last visit to that place... About his life there... About his sister... about... everything...

"Paul..." she asked him finally "Why are you telling me all those things ?"

He looked at her...
"I want you to know me a'bit. I want you to know the man with whom you will live in the middle of nowhere... Just remember , you were warned" he smiled with his ironical smile.

"I am not afride of you anymore, Paul." she said and lied her hand on his...
He held her hand and smiled...


He showed her "the nearest village"... Little village with little houses and friendly people...

They have done the shopping and went to Paul's house...
 


  Chapter 6 - Message in the bottle ... A head in the box...



The house was really small... But really nice. From the first moment she saw Paul's house she just started to love it. The forrest was close to the house and at night one could hear the wind in the trees... The stream was there, too. Little murmurring stream...
And there was a quiet.

She was standing in the front of the house ... When she looked at Kellerman she saw that he was just waiting for her to say something. As he was just afride that she might not like the place.

"Paul, it's wonderful !" she said. " I never thought that there could be so beautiful ! Thank you ! Thank you for taking me here ! "

He smiled
"Wait till you get into a house. You may not like what you would see."

Inside was just a'bit dirty - as in the house where nobody lived for some time. But it was just to clean up... Three riffles on the wall and the table in the middle of the room. Two chairs...white curtains ... She didn't expect his house to look like that. She expected a pure and menlike place and she found quite "home like" house.

There was one bed... many furs... and the fire place. There was a fire burning happily and she felt like being home.


***********


After few days when he went to a near village for shopping, she went alone outside. She had a bottle in her hand. A bottle with a letter inside.
She had thrown the bottle to the stream and left back.
The letter was her way to say goodbye to her old life. Just to start new one.


**********

"To  whom it may concern...

I was a daughter of a well known man. I had everything I may need in my life accept real love. It was really something I needed. My live was just really boring one. Boring until I started to work in one place and  met  one man. Than everything went crazy.

I messed up many things in my life. I've decided to take drugs just to colour my life... just to feel something else than a fear. Just to have a fun. But it appeared that I became adicted.

Everytime I started to love somebody he was just using me. Everytime I lost someone I was  taking more to forget. And everytime I forgot I was starting to do stupid things again.

And now I've decided to start a new life. To try to live quietly and to do something different. I don't want to be a junky - even adrenaline one - any more. 

My friend here is right. I probably won't be able to keep it that way but I want to try. And in fact I think that I may find love in here. Love from a man I never thought I could even like. A man who was an enemy... 

Well, good bye an old life. I will not be back.

S."


**********

At the same time the box with a head inside was handed to a one man....